The Perth Project

Hello, What’s Your Name?

A three week adventure around Viet Nam.

“Peter! Listen to me, I need a taxi!” my beloved wife said sternly to me.
My Response: “I can’t find a taxi! It’s not my fault there are none around, don’t get narky with me”.
Her Response: “I’m not getting narky; you’re bloody lost and can’t admit it”.
My Response: “I’m not lost, I know where we are, and the map doesn’t lie” (Apparently it does).
Her Response: “The man back there said we were lost and you told him he was wrong”.
My Response: “What do you want me to do then?”
Her Response: “Well, I’m going to ask the person over there to call a taxi!”
My Response: “Nic, she doesn’t speak English and we don’t speak Vietnamese”.
Her Response: “arhhhh you’re so frustrating”
My Response: “you’re so frustrating”.
My Response: “Nic don’t cry, it won’t help us”

Yes my dear readers, Niki and I were having an expedition into our first marital argument whilst lost in the quiet suburbs of Hoi An. Today, Vietnam decided to throw everything as us and we fell to our knees.

Rule No. 6 of being married – Don’t tell your wife not to cry, because it probably your fault that she is in the first place.

Niki and I were feeling a little stressed this morning and for good reason, we had just spent 12 hours on an overnight train from Sapa arriving into Hanoi at 4am, before jumping onto a plane bound for Danang, then catching a taxi to the local bus station to jump on the most horned obsessed crazy local bus we have ever travelled on. After stopping and starting for over an hour, we then walked 3 kms into the remote suburbs, the complete opposite direction to our hotel all whilst swimming in 38 degree heat with our huge packs on. Needless to say, things were getting a little heated between us. Now being a man, I take full responsibility… and blame it on my guide book for not telling me there was a second bus stop, which incidentally is where we were dropped off. And due to this reason it was no way my fault for Niki and I being lost. Yes, I told the local man who was trying to help me he was wrong, but that’s the benefit of hindsight.

So when I finally found our way, with Niki close to tears, sweat pouring off her from the ridiculously hot walk, me steaming that I was lost, Niki did the only normal thing to do upon entry to a hotel – she fainted! It was no little “Peter I don’t feel so good”, drop to the floor type of faint, it was a climbing up the steps to inspect our room type of faint. One of those moments when I get to chance to act out my Doctor fantasy’s and yell out “we need water here stat! And Nurse mop my brow”.  I’ve never seen so many hotel staff run around before and as she gained consciousness again, I quickly stuck my head in the room, said it looks great and hurried Niki onto the bed. For the next 4 days, everyone would  make sure Niki was treated like a Queen.

The Phuoc An Hotel was one of the best budget hotel’s I stayed in in Vietnam, if not the best. The staff were genuinely friendly and all gave excellent service, the rooms were immaculate, the breakfast great and of course free bikes into the town was an added bonus. I would highly recommend you staying here.

This was also about the time in our trip that my battle with Giardia finally stopped me in my tracks, I couldn’t move anymore without feeling sick, falling over due to severe cramps and running to the toilet. It was to the point that I needed to get medication, admit myself to Hospital or take out my pocket knife and slice out my bowel – I preferred the medication option. So after Niki was feeling a bit better we hurried down to the local chemist to get some antibiotics to nuke my bowels.

We needed Tinidazole and we knew we could get it over the counter, but not before a game of charades to explain my symptoms. With six people involved and a lot of hand gestures we finally got our message across with the help of a friendly lady who walked in off the street. Who then, with me obviously just explaining my severe problems and sense of urgency as I was holding on for dear life, said “do you want to come down to my Sister’s tailor shop”. Which I politely smiled and said “Umm not right now, I need to go back to bed”. Obviously not letting go that easy and here I thought I might get leniency as I was dying, she said “It won’t take long”.  Which I apologetically responded “Sorry, but it won’t take me long till I burst” and with that I run back to the hotel to sleep for the next 24 hours. The adventures into Hoi An would have to wait for another day and needless to say, things were just warming up…

The Word for Today

Giardia (noun): A common traveler’s illness caused by a not so friendly bacteria or protozoa. Symptoms include nausea, diarrhea, cramps, vomiting, fever, flushes and everything else that’s similar to malaria.

Popularity: 10% [?]

Hello, What’s Your Name?
A three week adventure around Viet Nam.

My tour bus driver has just been arrested…this was going to be one of those days. That’s what I’ve loved about Vietnam so far, its ability to throw a curve ball and sometimes you duck and miss it, other times it hits you square in the face. Today Niki and I joined a tour which we purchased through et-pumpkin to the majestic, mystical, mighty, magical and any other descriptive word starting with M, Halong Bay. About 3 hours from Hanoi, this world heritage listed site is known for its thousands of giant karsts and islands that dot this secluded bay. This was one of our honeymoon treats; however the local police had different ideas.

See, we were picked up in a mini van, yes a rather large minivan, but nevertheless a minivan. Unfortunately though the local police viewed our transport as a small bus rather than a large minivan and promptly arrested the bus driver for driving a “bus” through the old quarter of Hanoi. Apparently there are laws regarding this. So as a small army, *cough*, sorry police truck rocked up, a couple of guards got out and told the driver to drive down the road to the station and hand himself in.  So he did. An hour later, not having even left Hanoi, we found ourselves still sitting in our large minivan watching our poor driver making dozens of phone calls, sorting out a bribe, *cough*, sorry a fine, being reprimanded for his mistaken confusion that his minibus was in fact a bus, with this all concluding with our driver jumping back in the van as if nothing happened and continuing along our way to Halong Bay.

The drive was pretty straight forward by Vietnamese standards, with a rest stop at the Humanity Centre. What, you’ve never heard of a Humanity Centre? Well, if you think it’s a place where good people, do good deeds, to help people in need, you would be absolutely wrong! It was a pottery and souvenir house, because “the only way to save humanity is to put a big arse statue in your garden”. I’m still not sure how we would get any of those statues home.

Arriving at the pier in Halong Bay to board our beautiful teak Junk was an exciting moment. I felt like I was a pirate boarding a mighty vessel to drink some rum and find me some loot. When I turned to Niki and went “arhhhhh me lady, heave the sails, stow the rum, lock up the whores and get me some rum” she simply said “I’m not with you and walk away”. I dropped my head in disappointment; I hadn’t even shown her my eye patch yet!

We were joining the crew of the Halong Phoenix Cruiser, an opulent teak Junk big enough to fit about 25 people on board. We chose this boat as it was a good price at $100US per person, was small enough that it didn’t feel like a party boat yet big enough that you could have a good chat with people. Once we received the welcome spiel and our complementary fruity drink, we were assigned to our cabins.  Our a/c cabin was honestly amazing, with beautiful teak furnishings, an oriental atmosphere, a marble bathroom and a big 4 pane window that opened onto the bay. This was truly the way to sail and I felt like I had just added a tick to my list of things to do before I die. Looking at the other boats sailing by, ours was easily the most impressive and elegant.

After lunch, which had never ending delicious food, Nic and I decided to go kayaking. Let me get this right out from the start:-

Rule No. 3 of being married – Give your wife her own Kayak

Okay, so Nic and I have a rather turbulent history when it comes to Kayaking, some may even say explosive, the word apocalyptic also comes to mind. See a year before we went to Laos and kayaked down the Mekong in a double kayak. The person in front controls the pace, the person behind controls the steering, or something like that. In this simple setup is where it all falls apart us – both of us want to steer and both of us want to set the pace. In the confusion we go no where, paddles start flying all over the place, insults start getting thrown around, a misguided paddle hits my head, water gets thrown at Niki and inevitably we both sit there saying nothing, sulking and seething whilst we get closer and closer to hitting a whole heap of rocks. Needless to say Halong Bay was no different. However getting past our wedded bliss, the kayaking was truly mesmerising and tranquil as you slowly passed local water villages, spiritual grottos and colourful birds fluttering around the karsts.

The rest of the afternoon was spent swimming and jumping off from the top level on the Junk, which isn’t for the faint hearted. I was living out every pirate and lost on a tropical island fantasy I’ve ever had. That is until I lost my balance as I was jumping from the top deck and landed sideways in the water. All I remember as I fell sideways was “shit, this wasn’t the way I was meant to die”. Nursing a few sore ribs, the evening finished off with Niki sipping a perfect G&T, and I a whisky and coke whilst lying on the sundeck watching the Milky Way go round. This was what travel was all about and I felt truly relaxed for the first time in a year. Moored under giant karsts, we went to sleep with the windows wide open and a soft breeze slowing rocking us to sleep.

If you get the chance, this is a MUST in Vietnam. We booked our tour through et-pumpkin; however Vietnam Ocean tours has some good deals and packages as well. Both their offices are located next to each other in Hanoi.

The Word for Today

Junk (Noun): A Chinese or Vietnamese boat usually built from teak or other timber materials. A truly oriental way to travel the seas.

Vietnam (Cheap Country Guide)

Popularity: 93% [?]

Hello, What’s Your Name?

A three week adventure around Viet Nam.

I was beaten, destroyed to the core and past the point of no return. I was exhausted, shattered, cracked, smashed, distort, deranged, confused, broken, in pain and ruined – and that’s just the travellers diarrhea! I haven’t even started to tell you about the way I felt after an obscenely long hike through Sapa’s remote wilderness. The day before, Nic and I had talked with the hostel manager and booked a day hike through remote villages and wilderness. Before his recommendation on which tour we should do, he simply asked “are you fit?” I strongly responded in my gladiator stance “I’m fit enough to carry a small ox”, he must of been in awe at my sheer adventure man attitude that he didn’t hear Niki say “no, not really, I just want a easy walk through some local villages and rice paddies”. 15kms into our intense 28km trek the next day, Niki flopped onto a rock, her eyes confirming that our marriage was being tested for the first time. I didn’t dare tell her that I just confirmed with our guide that with the exception of climbing Mt Fansipan, this is the hardest trek in the region. I was going to kill the hostel owner if I ever saw him again!

Trekking, we started the morning meeting our Hmong guide, a young lady by the name of Xo.  After the introductions our motorbikes arrived and we jumped on and started our day’s tour. We weaved high up into the mountains on this chilly wet morning, the wind in our hair, cascading waterfalls in the distance and a happy wife, I felt  raw adventure pumping through my veins. This was what I wanted, no mass tours or well trodden paths, a real off the beaten experience. After 20mins we arrived into the mighty Tram Ton Pass, also known as Heavens Gate. Unfortunately though, heaven had blanketed the whole area with fog to keep the secret from us. So after a disappointing start we headed back down the pass to the Silver Waterfalls. With recent rains the waterfalls were flowing at full strength whilst falling from an incredible height. Getting a few romantic photographs in our wet weather gear, Nic then wandered off to find a bathroom – she would come back a changed women, never able to bring the strength to talk about her experience with the toilet, she has since developed a nervous twitch in her left eye when approaching an Asian bathroom.

After the Silver Waterfalls we headed to the starting point of our hike – the local rubbish tip! Arriving here I was a little shocked, this wasn’t exactly the perfect picturesque start I thought of, the second thought was we were about to be murdered and our dead bodies dumped here. We jumped off our bikes and watched our riders ride off in the distance. We then watched our guide simply walk to the edge of the ridge we were on and simply disappear down a  very sleep track leading down a rivine – game on! The first part of our trek was 2 hours straight down the side of the ridge. The track was slippery, muddy, incredibly steep and full of leaches. Climbing through prickly plants, over logs and fending of giant lost in time mosquitoes. As we hiked Xo explained the various plant varieties and what the Hmong traditionally used them for; from medicinal reasons to cooking. It was an amazing ecotourism experience. When the first leach of the day took hold of Xo’s ankle she gave a mighty squeal, even the strongest people have their weakness. This wouldn’t be last of the little blood suckers. We passed slowly down the mountainside, passing buffalo, livestock and local village children playing or working. At one point we came across six kids just sitting on buffalo and herding cows. At which point I turned to Xo and asked one of the dumbest questions I have ever asked anyone in my life – “What’s the difference between a cow and a buffalo?”  She gave me a look of are you kidding me and Niki adding to it “Peter, are you serious? Can’t you tell?” Xo simply said whilst laughing, “Horns”. Hmmm that wasn’t the best impression I could give her of Australians.

We stopped at a small waterfall for lunch at the bottom of the mountain. Niki was showing tiredness from the hard walk, however was still full of optimism. After we finished, Xo pointed to a long winding road up the side of a tall mountain in the distance, this was where we were heading. Niki gulped and then made the most fatal mistake of any trekker, she asked how much longer? When Xo responded “about 4 hours, with 3 hours going continually up “, I saw her optimism fall, it wasn’t til about 3 minutes later when she realised that she couldn’t turn back that I saw the last bit of hope leave her body. She was in it for the long haul and there was no going back, no matter how hard she tried to escape from the inevidable climb ahead. I could see in her eyes, this wasn’t want she expected when she said “I want an easy walk”. I could see in eyes that she was going to find away to blame me for this.

The next three hours was a gruelling climb following ridge after ridge after ridge. We passed the most amazing views of wide deep valleys, with dotted corn crops and chiseled rice paddies. We hiked through small villages with basic infrastructure and charming people. It felt like spring, with baby pigs, puppies, calves and chickens everywhere. The piglets were easily our favourite. Half way through our trip we came across a stranded calf calling for its mother, however she was no where to be seen. It was saddening to know this calf would die if help didn’t arrive. About 10 minutes down the track we came across an incredible site, a child on a buffalo calling to the calf and getting a response. The small boy was communicating with his animals, it was a touching moment. After 2 hours and intense sun, Niki finally hit her wall. She sat down on her rock and rested. On the edge of her physical limits, it was all down to her will to go on. She had asked earlier on the day “who would help me if I hurt myself?” the response “no help, don’t hurt yourself”. My beloved wife knew she had to keep going, so after a random piece of cucumber for energy, she got back up and kept on trotting.

Rule No. 5 of being married – Don’t take your wife on a 28km hike for your honeymoon, its not considered romantic.

We finally climbed down the final ridge into the village of Ta Phin. Not before passing through an area that Jo said “move quickly I smell snake”, there was no need to tell me twice. We arrived in this quaint village destroyed, sore and limping as if we had just done a 14 day trek. Ta Phin was stunning! We passed other tourist who had arrived by car into the village, they gave us one of two looks; the first one of ultimate awe that we had hiked this far or secondly, why would you do that you sadistic people? On arrival into a small Dzao home, a relaxing warm medicinal bath was waiting for us in barrels. The saviour for our aching muscles. After the cool down, we jumped back on our bikes and headed back to Sapa. Our hostel manager was egerly waiting out front for our return, I was ready to explain to him the difference of an easy hike and a bloody hard hike, instead Nic and I both got off our bikes and told him that was one of the best hikes we had ever done. His response “That’s great, I can now sell it to other travellers. Your the first tourists to do that trek since it was reopened, it’s been closed for a long time due to dangerous political issues”. With that, we thanked Xo for her excellent guiding, shook our heads at our manager, then went and downed a local beer.

The Word for Today

Ta Phin (Noun): A small village located 20 minutes out of Sapa. It is beautifully surrounded in a valley with rice paddies everywhere you look. It is home to the Hmong and Red Dzao, and well worth an overnight stay for its relaxation.

Click Here For Cheap Vietnam Country Guides

Popularity: 83% [?]

Hello, What’s Your Name?

A three week adventure around Viet Nam.

Do you ever have those moments when you’re travelling when you just stop and think “why the hell am I putting myself through this? Why am I squashed in a mini bus like a sardine?  Why am I seeing my life flash before my eyes? Why did I catch a train for 12 hours and slept in a bed no bigger than a cot? Why did I not book a package holiday to Bali?”  Well these were the particular thoughts that entered my mind as I was in a minivan overtaking on a blind corner, with a scary looking ravine on my left, a slow bus on my right, a big bloody truck coming towards me and a Michael Schumacher want-a-be driver upfront chatting on his phone, whilst doing something similar to what I might call driving. Niki and I were on our way from Lao Cai to the mountain retreat of Sapa in Northern Vietnam.

This particular incident was a the first of many and after about the tenth time, I was about ready to ask Shoooie to pull over so I could change my pants, luckily for all concerned we had just arrived into the perfectly back dropped Sapa. Nic and I had travelled all the way from Halong Bay the afternoon before, after a beautiful over night stay on a Junk we caught an overnight train from Hanoi to Lao Cai. We had travelled in the Fransipan express cabin and it was great. Complimentary fruit, nuts and water, a comfortable cabin and pleasant staff. The only downside was my top level bunk bed. I have travelled on many trains through out my adventures over the years, however the only way I could explain the level of rocking  this bunk bed was experiencing is something similar to being strapped to a space shuttle on re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere. Similar to the thoughts astronauts might have about whether or not they were going to make it alive into earth, I was thinking whether or not I was going to break loose of the small chains holding my bed to the ceiling and launch myself through the carriage at the speed of light.

Arriving into Sapa is breathtaking and I’m not just talking about the high altitude. Set high up in the mountains, Sapa is perfectly nestled in-between a mountain range and everywhere you look there is a perfect photo moment. The architecture is distinctly, yet slightly out of place, French, with similarities to ski resorts in Europe. Sapa is also home to many ethnic groups including the Black Hmong, Red Dzao, Thai’s and the Flower Hmong. Dressed in their colourful hand woven clothing, draped with their local wares to sell, they pleasantly greet you and strike up a conservation whilst you walk to you hotel. The women were of all ages, with some carrying sleeping babies on their backs in slings, with others carrying large baskets of food and spices. The older ladies had the most amazing faces with hard lines etched into their skin to tell the story of the harshness of hard work and harsh environments.

When we arrived, these friendly Hmong women took an instant liking to Niki, with five of these lovely ladies deciding to latch on to her and ask her the routine questions “Hello, What’s your name? Where are you from? Melbourne or Sydney? Are you married?  How old are you? Do you have babies?” All this within two minutes of meeting us, they were just so charming that it was hard not to engage in conversation.

At one point I lost Niki as these women surrounded her and talked her ear off. She was loosing the battle; Niki was surrounded and stuck in the middle, unable to push past as the Hmong were just too damn nice that Niki could show no rudeness. From where I stood, it looked similar to a lamb stuck in the middle of a pack of wolfs about to be overcome. When Niki dropped to her knees, I knew it was time to stop laughing and go to the rescue of her. That’s what  husbands do right?  Grabbing her hand whilst she was circled, it felt like a cliff-hanger moment. You know that part in the movie where Stallone holds his wife’s hand, looks her in the eyes and then drops her into the ravine? Well I could see the same “please don’t let me go” and “stop laughing you bastard” look in my new wife’s eyes.

Rule No. 4 of being married – Dont laugh at your wife unless she’s  laughing.

With these women following us all the way down the street, then back up the street after we realised we had missed the hotel, we were sure they were going to a find a way for us to part with our money, but they didn’t…or at least not then. They were just generally interested in practicing their English and having a chat. We were staying at the Pinocchio Hotel which has great staff and amazing views. The rooms were basic, clean and secure. The only slight downside was that if you’re a light sleeper, the traffic in the morning (namely the horns) can be a bit of problem due to the closeness of the road. Sapa had already captured my imagination and I’d only been here for two hours, the next four days was only going to seal it as one of the most amazing places in the world.

The Word for Today

Hmong (noun): One of many ethnic minority groups of Northern Vietnam. The Hmong also live in Thailand, China and Laos.

Popularity: 100% [?]